1. Student Late in Class
Teacher: Why are you late John?
John: Because of a sign down the road ma’am.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
John: The sign said “School Ahead, Go Slowl”
2. Failed in English Test
John: Hu! hu! hu! I failed in my English
test....UNPOSSIBLE
3. After English Test
Peter: How was the test?
John: It was easy but question no. 5 confused me.
Peter: What was the question?
John: Question no. 5, wanted the Past Tense of “THINK”. I THOUGHT and THOUGHT and THOUGHT.... And end up of writing “THINKED”.
4. New English Teacher
Principal: Are you the new English teacher?
John: Yes, I are?
5. The Perfect Son
Maria: I have the perfect son.
Martha: Does he smoke?
Maria: No, he doesn't.
Martha: Does he drink whiskey?
Maria: No, he doesn't.
Martha: Does he ever come home late?
Maria: No, he doesn't.
Martha: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Maria: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
6. Be A Good Dancer
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
7. Patient Have Pain in the Eye
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
8. Looks like a Boy
John: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Parent: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
John: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
Parent: I'm not. I'm her mother.
9. First Day in School
Mom: Did you enjoy your first day at school?
Maria: First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
10. Teacher Ask Juan About the Past Participle
Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?
Juan: What do you think it is, Sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW!
Juan: I don't think I know either, Sir!
11. Juan and the American Man
American: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
Juan: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
12. Daughter on the Phone
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
Father: Wow!! That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?
Daughter: Wrong number
13. Teacher Punish the Student
Student: Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Good, because I haven`t done my homework.
14. Math Subject
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student : How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
15. John Ask Permission to his Teacher
John: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
John: But I asked first!
16. What is an Idiot??
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
17. Man Lost Thousand peso Bill
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a thousand peso bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
18. In the Restaurant, Customer order Soup
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
19. Maria Ask John Where did he born
John: I was born in Philippines.
Maria: Which part?
John: All of me.
20. The Teacher ask John in English Class
The teacher ask to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
John: I walk. You walk....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
John: I run. You run ...
21. Son Help his Mother
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
22. Pedro Guess what John’s eat for Lunch
Pedro: Look at your face I know what you had for Lunch.
John: What was it?
Pedro: Fish.
John: No, that was yesterday.
23. Teacher ask John about his Homework
Teacher: John, Did your father help with your homework?
John: No, he did it all by himself.
24. Products found in Negros
Teacher: What are some products In Negros?
John: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
John: We borrow it from our neighbor.
25. Man Inside the Bus
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
Peter: What's the matter? Are you sick?
John: No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing.
26. Man Receive a Phone Call
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
John: Ok, give me the good news first.
Doctor: The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.
John: Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?
Doctor: The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
27. Teacher ask an Example of “I” in a Sentence
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
John: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
John: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
28. Who Found Philippines
Teacher: John please point to Philippines on the map.
John: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found Philippines?
Class: John did.
29. Wear a Ring on the wrong Finger
Peter: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
John: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
30. The First Girl I Love
Maria: Am I the first girl you have ever loved?
John: Of course, why do girl always ask the same question?
31. Pedro’s Mother Came From...
John: Where did your mother came from?
Pedro: Alaska
John: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself.
32. John Get Angry to his Wife
John was getting annoyed and shouted to his wife
John: Hurry up!! Or will be late.
Maria: Oh!! Shut up.. Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a
minute??
33. During Delivery of John’s Wife in Iloilo
John and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in Iloilo. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, John’s wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.
John: What you want me to do, Doctor?
Doctor: Hold the lantern, John.
After a few hours.....
Doctor: Here it comes!
The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
Doctor: John, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy.
John: Saints be praised, I...
Before John can finish the Doctor interrupts..
Doctor: Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, John.
Soon the doctor delivers the next child.
Doctor: You've a full set now, John. A beautiful baby daughter.
John: Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in..
Doctor: Hold the lantern, John, Hold the lantern!
Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for John’s inspection.
John: Doctor, Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
34. Exhibit of a Wealthy Filipino
At an event in exhibit a wealthy Filipino announced that he had lost his wallet
containing 50,000.00 and would give a reward of 2,000.00 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall John’s voice shouted, "I'll give 5,000 pesos!"
35. A Gang Rob the Bank
A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of
yogurt. So they ate it all…
Next day, in CNN
News:"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”
36. Pedro is Late
American: why you came late ?
Pedro: Juan, tulungan mo ako magpaliwanag. Kanina nagdadalawang isip ako kung aalis kasi ang araw hapon na.
Juan: I two by two walk because the sun is Japanese.
37. Science Subject
Teacher: What will change if the ice water turns into ice?
Simon: The price, sir....
38. Four Catholic Mother Talk About Their Son
Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: "Good morning Monsignor!”
Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: "Good morning your Grace!”
Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: "Good morning you’re Eminence!”
The fourth mother pauses and says: "My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: "Oh My God!”
39. Husband carry a Cross
A husband coming home from a confession, suddenly he lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why did the priest tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross!
40. John Went to a Bar
John together with his friends went to a bar.
When she read the sign saying: BELOW 18 NOT ALLOWED
John: "nge" !!! uwi na lang tayo.... 10 lang tayo lahat eh!!!...
41. American and John’s conversation.
American: Is that an apple you are eating?
John: Yes.
American: You know, in States, only poor people eat an apple.
John: uhmm, is that true?
American: Yes!!
John: Is that a banana you are eating?
American: Yes.
John: You know, in Philippines, only monkeys eat banana.
42. Beauty Pageant:
Judge: What if you find that your boyfriend has AIDS, what will you do and why?
Petra: I’ll still love him..
(Everybody claps)
Judge: Why?
Petra: Because, AIDS doesn't matter!, thank you.
43. Chinese Lady went to the Market
A Chinese lady can’t speak English. At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg, she showed her legs. Next day, she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast. On the third day, she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage. What did she do?
Oh, dirty-minded!
Her husband can speak English....
44. No Longer Interested
Teacher: John, what do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested?
John: A teacher!!!
45. What Wonder Girls Say
Wonder girls may say,
"I want nobody, nobody but you..”
Then, the boys will reply,
"I want your body, your body not YOU!!!"
46. John Arrive at Home
True bravery is to arrive home..
John fully drunk from late night out and mom waiting with a broom in hand, then he asked:
John: Hey mom, still cleaning?
47. Boy Propose to his Girlfriend
Boy: I love you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: I want you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: I miss you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl:` Really?
Boy: Shut up!! rice is expensive
48. American Girl Like Puto
There was an american girl who likes puto
American Girl :owwww is that fweto
Tindera:you mean puto
American girl: yeah
Tindera: okay what colour fweti or fewla:)
49. Piglet and Pooh
One day piglet was staring at pooh
Pooh: Why are you staring at me like that?
Piglet: Because you’re so fat you should be the piglet not me!
50. A Baby Mosquito
A baby mosquito came back after its 1st flight.
Dad: How did you feel?
Baby Mosquito: Dad it was wonderful, everyone was clapping 4 me.
